Sexless and the City

Brian and I had gone to see Sex and the City last week without any protest from him since we were seeing a "chick-flick". Our house was upside down due to the work on the staircase and the floors (which is now compelte I may happily add). The kids were staying with my parents so we decided to go out to the movies - something we hadn't done in ages. Lo and behold, there we are, enjoying the movie, our popcorn and the fact that it was a week night so I wasn't too crowded when all of a sudden, the fire alarm goes off! The screen goes black, the lights came on and the voice of God was telling us to please evacuate the theater using the doors to the far left. 20 minutes later there we were, watching fire trucks enter the theater as we stood there helpless. Needless to say, I along with every other woman who was enjoying the film with me was pissed!!

I can report thought that it was really great - at least what I saw of it. I would say that we were two-thirds into it when disaster struck. So we are going to be compensated with two tickets to any movie we want to see. Brian has already decided that we are seeing the Hulk. How could I say no to that?

Men At Work

Long time no post! We recently learned that Brandon is allergic to cats, dogs and dustmites. We gave our cat to my sister Dana who welcomed Emmy with open arms. Now she has 3 cats - no "single women with cats" jokes please! We also decided to have the carpets in the bedrooms and stairs removed. So our house is under construction at present (or to quote Brandon, "our house is broken") with several men who are led by a great guy named John who are all working dilligently to get the job done. Access to my computer has been difficult to say the least. They are telling us to that the project should be done by Wednesday at the latest. Wish me luck!

Good Intentions

Today was the day I had planned to do all the little household chores either I had put off or that Brian allegedly done but I have to re-do anyway. Brian had planned to start one of his weekend warrior projects. However, neither of us accomplished much today. Annie participated in a parade for her school down one of the main streets in our town- she plays in their drumline. The kids were really terrific. We grabbed some food afterwards at Red Lobster and that was all she wrote! I have been lounging around the house ever since. I even managed to take a nap for about two or so hours uninterrupted. Brian took the kids out to the park - all by himself! They had a great time. I can always tell by their exhaustion levels. Brandon and Eric were out like a light when they got home and Annie went straight to her room and fell alseep about 10 minutes later. Normally, I would have started a chore but I took a page out of Brian's book and called it a day. I must say, this feels good...really good.

Gym Rat

So I finally got back to going to the gym. This was (is?) my New Year's Resolution. Brian and I joined this gym around the corner from the house and I have gone a total of 3 times this week. Since I am easing back into the work-out thing, I hit the treadmill. I of course am in sweats and a t-shirt, and on my left is the "don't be fooled by the gray hair because I'm in much better shape than you are" woman and on my right is the "I am going to the gym to hook-up and socialize because I could give a crap about my health" woman.

Lefty was running a marathon compared to my zero incline/3.0 miles per hour self. She belonged on the cover of a Wheaties cereal box. I am not even joking about that. Put me to shame I tell you! But Righty on the other hand was on her cell phone! Can you believe it? I spent a total of 27 minutes listening to her yap away on the phone. She was oblivious to everything and everyone around her. Completely annoying!

Bicycle Blues

Today I decided to take Brandon out for his first ride on his brand new Spiderman bike - training wheels, helmut and all (cute, isn't it?). Honestly I was probably more excited about the whole thing than he was. Well, things started off fine, but the problem quickly became apparent. He didn't quite get the fact that he has to pedal to move the bike- he was trying to move it with his shoulders and upper body. It was quite funny actually. So there I was pushing him while trying to get him to pedal and he just wasn't getting it. He thought that I was supposed to push him along. When I told him that he had to pedal by himself to get the bike to move, he began to cry. After another 15 minutes or so of trying and crying, we came back inside.

Initially, he wanted nothing to do with the bike anymore - (mean bike!). I wanted to encourage him so I promised that we would try again tomorrow and try and try and try again until he was able to pedal by himself. He became very excited about the bike again (nice bike!). This was a bonafide parenting moment. It almost felt like a television afterschool special. I realized that this is bigger than the bike; this is a life lesson...that I have to encourage him to get back up, dust himself off and try again....I think I am on to something here. Now that's one to grow on...for both of us!

Allergy Season

After just getting over a bad cold, Brandon woke up yesterday with his eyes wide shut - literally. His eyes were swollen, red, watery and felt "itchy and yucky" (that's a direct quote). So I gladly called in sick and took him to the doctor. Long story short, Brandon has had his first bout with seasonal allergies. We left the doctor's office about an hour later with prescriptions for eye drops and Allegra.

Well, the eye drops were a nonstarter. Trying to give it to him was like trying to teach a fish how to do a cartwheel. The Allegra however was a different story. As I am pouring a teaspoon of Allegra into the dosage cup, I try to convince Brandon that it would help his eyes feel much, much better. I must have underestimated my persuasive abilities because Brandon bravely took the dosage cup from me and tried to pour it into his left eye.

Frienemies

We all have at least one in our lives. That person who manages to both a friend and an enemy simultaneously. My frienemy is a co-worker who can be nice at times but incredibly irritating. Ever since Brandon was born, she has been talking about what a phenom her son Liam is. Liam is about 9 months older than Brandon. She's one of those parents who began bragging about their kid's APGAR score and hasn't stopped since. Liam began walking at 9 months, talking at 10 months (using 2 or more words in a sentence I might add) was potty trained in a week, etc. You know the type.

So now that I have finally found a great pre-school for Brandon, of course she has found a better one. Its about $20,00 per year which in my mind is outrageous. No way would my kid's preschool cost more than my mortgage! Liam will begin learning a French in their "French for Tots" class, and will have a 12th grade reading level and will be able to explain Einstein's theory of relativity by Christmas; it was very competive to get into the school but he is sooooooo brilliant it was a breeze; clearly he will have a leg up on his classmates by the time he attends Yale, blah, blah, blah.

I just spoke with my mom a few minutes ago about my co-worker's latest brag-fest. My mom always manages to keep my head on straight and keep me grounded. Mom says in her usual dead pan voice, "Ann, the bottom line is this. One plus one equals two. Whether you it at Harvard or West Bumblefuck U, it still equals two". Enough said. I love my mom.

Ahh-chew!!!

Headquarters was shut down for the last few days because the kids were all sick. Brian and I alternated days off at work to nurse everyone back to health. It started with a cough and mulitple sneezes from Brandon and morphed into a full blown cold for Annie and Eric. Lots of bubble gum and grape flavored medicine, sleepless nights and crankiness from everyone all around. Annie was home from school and miserable because she missed a class trip to the local science museum. I think she secretly has come around to making science her favorite subject but refuses to admit to it.

I promised her she and I would take a trip to the science museum and she seems to be looking forward to that. When Dana called this morning, Annie asked her if she'd like to tag along with us, to which Dana agreed. Then Annie bet Dana that she couldn't think of a real (in other words, not made up) song about science. Dana, who seized the moment in true Dana-esque fashion began singing "She Blinded Me with Science". I cracked up and chimed in of course. Annie thinks that Dana and I are aliens. She also owes Dana 2 bags of almond M & Ms.

D-lovely, D-lightful, Dana

My younger sister Dana is a social worker by trade and is such a trip. She and I have a great relationship and we can finish each other's thoughts before we even start formulating them. And we have a similar sense of humor so she laughs at all of my jokes. In addition to her smashing personality, quick wit and winning smile, Dana is an 80's music fanatic as am I. So we have been known to break into song ala 80's style in many a public place. All it takes is a word, a beat, a lyric or a phrase and we are on. We can hang with the best of them when it comes to 80's music trivia.

So Dana and I met for dinner after work at Houston's this evening, one of our most favorite restaurants. As we are waiting to be seated, Dana and I are rapidly gossiping back and forth about Jessica Simpson, Tomy Romo and his birthday party, Carmen Electra getting engaged, Star Jones getting divorced, etc. Dana mentions something to the effect of one thing led to another and instantly she and I looked at each other and simultaneously start singing the classic song from the Fixx - "One thing leads to another"- you remember the tune: "you run for cover in the heat, why don't they, do what they say, say what they mean, one thing leads to another". It was hysterical - not only because we were oh so loud, but because we knew every single lyric.

Therefore, I have decided to add Dana's 80's music pick to my blog, so each time we come up with a song you can re-live the moment with us. Hopefully the song will bring back great memories for you, or at least get stuck in your head like it does ours.

School Rivalry

There was a science fair at Annie's school earlier this evening. So we packed up the entire clan to watch Annie in action. She was terrific of course. Lots of great projects on display actually. As we are walking through the auditorium chatting with teachers and parents, Brian runs into a man by the name of "Jason".

So he and Jason had the whole "funny running into you/didn't know your kid attended the school/how have you been like I really give a crap" conversation while I try to keep Brandon and Eric from destroying someone's display. Brian was oblivious to this of course. As I was in damage control mode, I happened to catch a bits and pieces of the conversation. Apparently they attended two of the biggest rival Catholic high schools in the county. And they both played football and hated each other.

Apparently harboring no hard feeling, they made small talk. In true primative male fashion, their small talk quickly escalated to a comparison of their respective performances in junior varsity and varsity, memorable games and whose high school had the better record senior year. Then Brian began his statements with "well at least I didn't blah blah blah" to which "Jason" responded with words to the effect of "yeah but at least I didn't blah, blah blah". It wasn't sounding too good for Brian from what I could gather. But pulling himself from the edge of defeat, Brian simply shrugged his shoulders and laughed while saying, "well hey, at least I wasn't an altar boy". Forgive me Pope Benedict, but I thought that was hystertical. Even Jason had to chuckle. And try as he did, he just couldn't recover from that one. Now that is what I call victory with a capital V.

Move over Marie Curie...

This week has been a hectic one. Annie had a science project due so it consummed all of us. Annie is very meticulous. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect. In the end, it was truly a great project. And for those of you who are dying to know, dark colors absorb more heat than light colors. So once she finished the project, Brian and I are clapping and cheering, joined by Brandon and Eric who couldn't help but share in the excitement.

So we ask how she felt about finishing the project, what she learned, what she liked about it. I am assuming science is her favorite class in school, so I tell her that she may grow up to be the next Marie Curie. She of course has no clue who Marie Curie is. So I give Annie a brief synopsis of her life and her important accomplishments with this great climatic ending about girl power. I am in total geek mode. Annie however is unmoved. After I am done, Annie thinks about what I have said and replies, "I'd rather win American Idol. Now that would be cool!" and trots up stairs with masterpiece in hand. A singing scientist...maybe Madame Curie does have some competition after all.

Off to work he goes (not!)

Usually when I am sick, I get my behind up and go to work. I mean I would literally have to be either dead or on a respirator not to go in. People are relying on me and things have to get done. It could be Catholic guilt. Or perhaps it is because I am a woman and we are usually quite talented at multitasking by nature. Or better yet, if I stay home, I wind up not getting any rest all because of all the crap that must/should/could be done around the house. Long ago, I had to learn that the world does not and will not stop merely because I am under the weather...no matter how far under I may be. And quite frankly, at the end of the day, I am a mommy and mommies just don't get sick. If we did, then who would take care of everyone else? I have also learned that men, however, are very, very different creatures.

Brian sneezed twice last night and once this morning.

So yes, you guessed it - he called in today. Something must be going on at the job. He went into total sick mode this morning. So then came the ridiculous questions - Do you feel cold? Is it cold in here? *shiver...shiver* No of course its not. Do I feel warm? Of course he didn't. Where are the extra blankets? In the closet where they always are. Do we have any soup? Sure do... in the cabinet next to the pasta where it always is. Do we have any Thera-flu? Nope. Nyquil? Don't think so. Not sure what he did all day today, which is why my idea for a Daddy-Cam might just catch on.

Now that I am home and homework has been completed and checked, dinner has been prepared and eaten, lunch has been packed and the children have gone to bed, mysteriously he seems to have fully recovered. Guess that bug isn't contagious.

Lost in Lowe's

Yesterday Brian decided to go to Lowe's to pick up an under the counter trash can for the kitchen. Since my parents volunteered to watch the kids, I went with him to make sure he came back with just said item and nothing else. Before leaving I asked whether we could just order it online to which he replied why not just go get it - it will take 5 minutes. So with printed picture in hand, off we went.

Well, 5 minutes turned into nearly an hour. We could not for the life of us find this damn thing. We asked Steve, then Lori and then Chuck who, despite their "I am here to help" name tags, were all useless. We were in the wrong aisles, the wrong sides of the store. It got to the point where we could tell people where things were because we committed them to memory during our travels.

Finally Karen found us. Perhaps it was the haggard looks on our faces, or the fact that she had seen us so many times and concluded that we obviously did not work there. Karen belongs in a Lowe's commercial. She was really knew her stuff. So much so that and informed us that our item was available online only. But alas, we found a better one in store. So take that.

And gerbil makes...six?

Had an interesting conversation this morning with Brian. Early mornings are one of our rare down times so we try to eat breakfast together before the kids wake up. So this is the best time to get a glimpse into his thought process. Very scary......

He casually mentions that we should have another baby in much the same way one would mention the weather. Just like that - in the middle of my Special K with 1 cup of sliced strawberries to boot. Instead of pummeling him, I casually respond that we already have three children, to which he says but I think we should try for a girl. As he goes on and on about the idea of adding a sixth member to our brood and how much fun it would be...blah, blah, blah... I try extremely hard to surpress the flashbacks of labor pains and ice chips.

Just then Annie angrily comes down the stairs wondering where her jeans with the pink and blue rhinestones in the shape of a butterfly on the right thigh and back pockets were since she and her BFF Allison were supposed to match today and if she doesn't find them she absolutely CANNOT go to school today or her life would be ruined; Brandon is standing at the top of the stairs screaming that he is hungry and wants popcorn for breakfast. Shortly thereafter we hear Eric crying since he was probably startled by all of the commotion. Brian turns to me and lets out a very long what was I thinking sigh and says how about a pet gerbil instead? Now were it not for the fact that I would probably wind up taking care of the damn thing, it would have been a pretty good suggestion. But alas, a typical good morning at headquarters nonetheless. Fun is a relative term isn't it?

Fatman

I picked up Brandon from nursery school today and stopped off at Pathmark to pick up a few things before returning to headquarters for the evening. Brandon is happpily trotting along side me and I am grateful he has not pulled anything down from a shelf yet. (That barely audible "clean-up aisle 6" announcement is usually us). I stop in the baby aisle to scan the contents of a Gerber Graduates toddler meal for Eric. All of a sudden Brandon, in his loudest outside voice says, "Mommy look...its Fatman...Fatman"! He is jumping up and down and pointing at a...shall I say...a pleasantly plump/borderline jolly man who also happened to walking down the aisle.

I am gagging right about then. As I am about to offer a feable apology for Brandon's laspe in the judgment that he has yet to fully develop, it turns out that there were also action figures and toys in the aisle. Fatman was passing what Brandon was really pointing at - a Batman toy. By the time I put this all together, Fatman had kept moving while grumbling some indiscernible obscentity under his breath. To make matters worse, we see Fatman in our checkout line of course and when were exiting the store sans the Batman - embarrassing to say the very least. Did I mention Brandon started speech therapy last week? Well, at least he's got his adjectives down pat.

This Old House

My husband Brian has been watching HGTV for the last few hours and has not budged. Not one bit. He thinks we live in "This Old House" and that by osmosis he will be able to complete house projects without having to pay a licensed professional to do the work. This happens every spring. Last year's weekend warrior project was the garage. He wanted to paint and organize it. We did all this research and investigation - looked online for ideas, bought books and magazines, started scoping out our neighbor's garages. That project never got off the ground. The year before, it was crown molding for the living room. We went to Home Depot did all this research and investigation - bought all these books and magazines, had crown molding envy when we visited friends and family, but the project never got off the ground. I eagerly await the announcement for this year's project. I'll be sure to keep you posted as it (doesn't) develop.

Target is a miss....

Like many women, when I arrive home from work, my second shift begins. My break is my commute to and from home, when I get to do all of the things I normally can't do at home without background noise, (i.e., screaming, crying, inept questions from my husband, etc.), such as make phone calls, listen to the radio, dash into a store, do my make-up, eat, think, breathe, etc.

This evening, I decide to dash into Target for 5 minutes without notifying headquarters so I can grab the few little knick-knacks that I constantly forget to grab because I am busy grabbing too much crap for too many other people with too little time.

So there I am, red basket in hand ready to check out. There's a line of people, but it seems to be moving quickly. I do my usual routine picking up a gossip magazine and quickly scanning it as I inch up. Before you know it, its time for me to place my few little items on the belt and pay.

Just as I am about to hand over my debit card, lo and behold, there is a register malfunction. Buttons are being rapidly pushed, an announcement is made, the number 9 register light is flashing, a manager is called, the register is opened up and examined, paper must be changed. So to the massive line of people behind me, I might as well be the anti-christ.

To make matters worse, it the midst of my Target euphoria, I apparently grabbed an item with no price. The barcode isn't coming up with anything. So a second announcement is made, the number 9 light flashes AGAIN which is like kryptonite to everyone else on line.

After an eternity, a team member arrives to investigate. As I wait for the team member to return, I see daggers in the eyes of everyone on line. The team member is not coming back as quickly as I had hoped. People are fleeing register 9 in droves. So I decide to ditch the item and pay for eveything else quickly. I left Target feeling dejected to say the least, and remembering what it must have been like to have the cooties.

2001 B.C.

One of my good friends from NYU is a woman named Jenn. Jenn moved to the left coast shortly after getting married in 2001. She was in town visiting her folks, so we were finally able to get together in Manhattan for dinner last night after years of exchanging emails and ims. As we were chatting away about poop, work, diets, celebs while exchanging updated photos, etc., we got to know Tyler. Tyler was about 3, maybe 4 years old and he was having a complete, knock-down, drag-out, full blown temper tantrum. His parents were mortified needless to say.

This scene took me back to the very last time she and I had dinner in late 2001 B.C. - before children. Same scenario - a kid was having a meltdown, her parents had that we-aren't-bad- parents -no-really - look. Jenn and I were absolutely appalled. I, of course blamed the parents - something must be wrong...this a clear case of the girl acting out in response to prolonged abuse. Jenn thought we should call social services or at the very minimum the police. That little girl became the focus of dinner and how there would be no way in hell our children would EVER act that way in public. It basically ruined dinner that night because it was incredibly annoying.

Fast forward to the present and there we were in the midst of Tyler's kicking and screaming break with emotional reality, not batting an eye. We even exchanged that knowing smile with Tyler's parents - that I-feel-your-pain-but-thank-God-its-not-me-right-now look. We never skipped a beat. With two sons at the very far end of impulse control, I happily enjoyed my mommy play date, needless to say, in complete and utter peace.

Burger(less) King

On my way home from work today I get a call from headquarters. Its my husband who informs of two things - one, Brandon (my three year old) needs help with an arts and crafts project (did I mention he was diagnosed with H.A.? - that stands for "homework aversion") and two - that there was nothing thawed out for dinner so I should pick up some food. Great example of typical husband-like behavior. I have no clue how he occupied himself all day. And in all likelihood, neither does he.

Then I remembered that I didn't give him a task list today so he probably sat around doing nothing. My bad.

As I am contemplating how I could install a daddy-cam at home, he asks what am I going to get. So since dinner has now become my problem now, I figure when in doubt, go to Burger King. After polling the children, he tells me that the consensus was unanimous - burgers and fries from Burger King. So I pull into the drive-thru close to home and the conversation goes something like this:

Apathetic Male Voice: Welcome to Burger King. Can I help you?

Me: Yes, hi... can I have a kids meal with a burger and fries for a boy..with a coke... and...

Apethetic Male Voice: Ummm, we don't have any burgers right now.

Me: Excuse me?

Apathetic Male Voice: We don't have any burgers right now.

Me: You're kidding right? There are absolutely no burgers??? (While I am saying this, I casually look in my rear view mirror to check my end-of-the-day hair and make-up in case I am being set up for a commercial).

Apathetic Male Voice: Nope.

Me: You aren't kidding, are you?

Apathetic Male Voice: No.

Me: What happened to the burgers? (I mean WTF? Does the King know about this?)

Awkward moment of silence...

Apathetic Male Voice: Ummm. *sigh* I am not sure - I think the grill is broken. We just don't have any burgers right now. We might have some later. We do however have chicken.

Second awkward moment of silence.

So I call headquarters and my step-daughter answers the phone.

Me: Hi...umm...Burger King has no burgers.

Annie: Ha..Ha...not funny. Remember get me the whopper junior meal, no pickles, no onions and extra ketchup. Oh and onion rings instead of fries.

Me: No, I am serious. There's no burgers. Do you want chicken?

Annie: Why don't they have burgers?

Me: Well, apparently the grill is broken.

Annie: Well if the grill is broken, how do they have chicken and not burgers? Don't they use the same grill? I mean, if we wanted chicken then we would have said KFC. Duh. Can't we sue them for false advertising?

Point taken. So I drive away, perplexed. There has got to be something wrong with the world when Burger King has no burgers. Presuming that burgers and fries was the standing request, I wind up at Mc Donald's. What is the request from headquarters? Chicken mcnuggets and chicken sandwiches. This is typical decision-making from headquarters. Go figure.

Marriage and Children

When I was single, dating and aimlessly bouncing from one pointless relationship to another, marriage seemed like the promised land. I mean married women seemed to have it all - a great guy who would worship the very ground they walked on, money, great hair, great clothes, perfect nails. Having a husband and children seemed like winning the gold in the Olympics of life without the help of steroids.

Single was the antithesis of marriage for me. Single was unbearable at times, morbid and depressing. I figured that I would be happily married by the time I finished college. But that did not happen. Then I thought that it definitely would happen by the time I finished law school. But that didn't happen either. So marriage and children eluded me for quite some time.

As I approached 30, alone and lonely, I couldn't help but wonder, isn't there something else? And that something could not possibly be at the bottom of that Ben and Jerry's pint of ice-cream or in a Lifetime movie. So yes, I had a serious case of engagement ring envy. And yes, I read every wedding magazine I could find at the supermarket checkout, airports and on the train. In fact, you might recall seeing me - I was the one feverishly reading the wedding mags from cover to cover without an engagement ring.

And yes I was addicted to that infamous pull-out section of the New York Times looking for people I went to school who were announcing their wedding to the world. And of course it goes without saying - I watched "A Wedding Story" and "A Baby Story" religiously. And of course, I had at least 10 if not more BBMDs- bad brides maids dresses- in my closet. The constant reminder that I was always just one dress away from the grand prize.

Eventually, I wound up falling in love with a guy I had met on a blind date in college. We dated briefly and broke up (he was way too nice for me back then and I was a glutton for heartbreak anyway) and we wound up reconnecting about 10 years later and getting married. Finally I was the star of my very own "Wedding Story".

When I asked my mother for some words of wisdom about marriage, children, parenting etc., she replied, "the grass isn't greener on the other side of that white picket fence.... and remember, you can take care of your own damn lawn" . I didn't quite get it.

Seven years, a mortgage, two children plus a step-daughter later, I think I get it.

So after having worked a 9 plus hour day, I have just taken out the garbage, fed and bathed my sons, read The Very Hungry Catepillar to them for the upmteenth time, packed the kids lunches for tomorrow and finished helping my step-daughter with her 5th grade geometry homework (since my husband finds determining the difference between a trapezoid, an octagon and a triangle way too challenging). I am of course thinking about marriage, parenting, children and wondering what was so bad about being single ?